1st post

Well I'm totally new to this. I almost feel like I did when I first had sex. Not a clue what to do, just go with the flow, and also being incredibly nervous. I suppose the best way to do this is to tell everyone a little about myself and go from there.

My name is Jon. Short for Jonathon. My mom changed my name when I was 4, from John to Jonathon, but I hated it so much we compromised, haha. Even to this day only my parents call me Jonathon, and usually when its a serious topic. I'm 21 years old, and I work as an apprentice electrician. I am also gay, though no one at work knows this, and I'm more then happy keeping it that way. Matter of fact, not many people at all know this, and the ones that do never saw it coming. A fact I'm kind of proud of, as far as fooling their 'Gaydar' and not coming across as the stereotypical gay guy.

I am out to a handful of people. My Dad and his wife, and my 3 best friends. I have been out to my Dad and his wife for just over a year now, and my friends for 2 weeks. Needless to say I am not a fan of coming out. I find it nerve wracking and very stressful. I would rather have a root canal. I have been very fortunate though that thefew people I have told have been very supportive of me. I look back on telling them and wish I had the balls to do it sooner. Though in my defence, my friends put on an air of rampant homophobia that is actually just them being dumbasses, since I'm not the only gay person they know and hang out with. Still, they had me wondeirng if I'd be met with pats on the back or bottles to the back of the head.

The next step is to tell my Mom and her husband. (On a side note, have a very large and complex family. My parents are divorced, my dad remarried twice, my mom once.) I never had the closest relationship with my Mom, so I can't really say how she'll react. My Dad just says "What's the worst she can do, disown you?" and I suppose he's right, but also wrong. I don't want to damage the relationship with my Mom any further. She has always been that kind of strong woman with the old fashioned kind of views to an extent. Men are to act like men, woman like woman. Men don't cry, that sort of thing. To that extent my Dad is the opposite. Sure he can build a house, but he watches fashion and has no shame in crying in front of me, or I in front of him. My dad and I have a pretty close relationship. My mother and I do not really. Sure I go to her house for dinner ususally two or 3 times a month. But I never feel like I can talk to her about important things. I kind of glaze over things and remain distant. I don't really know if I can trust her. I would like to, but I just don't know. We had a falling out when I was 14, in Grade 9 at High School. I moved in with my Dad b/c I wanted to. My Mom took it the wrong way and publicly humiliated me in front of half the school, taking away my house keys so I couldn't "steal" my own things. After that we didn't talk for several months. I still think it was an awful thing to do, but I'm over it. It just serves as an example of why I am reticent to open up to her about things in my life.

As far as she or any other member of the family is concerned, I am straight. I don't have sex with girls though or date them so I'm beginning to think that people are suspecting things. And I don't blame them. For as long as I can remember, everytime any one of them has asked if I'm dating a girl the answer has been no, and then I promptly get off the subject. Hell, even I think it's suspicious! My Mom has tried setting me up before. So I go on the "dates", if you want to call them that, and then never talk to the girl again. I avoid the subject like the plague and it goes away eventually. It almost feels like it's a test, like she's trying to figure it out on her own without asking. Some days I wish I was straight and didn't have to deal with this crap. Life's hard enough as it is without the mind games and BS and all the expectations of others.