Guilt

I talked again with my friend, who is trying to help me with another friend. To simplify this, the friend who s helping me i'll call J, and the friend who im in fear of losing i'll call A. I told J more about the convo's i've had with A. He seemed less certain of what to do. Probably not a good sign. I've never imagined my life without A in it. He's always been there for me. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe he felt like I was to big a burden or something. Maybe I was stopping him from healing. I would hate to think that, but if it's true, then I really should stop trying to make this work, since I really would be a burden to him.
My BF whom I've only mentioned in passing died last August. He took his own life. He was A's best friend. A took care of me as best he could, though it was hard for both of us. I sometimes do wonder if I got in the way of him dealing with his emotions. Like he spent all his energy on me and not himself. I'd feel guilty if that were the case.

Magnetism

So today my instructor was going on about magnetic induction, and one of his analogies was: "Usually guys are attracted to girls, and vice versa. Think of the north pole as a guy and the south pole as a girl. Now if a guy comes up and hits on the other guy, he gets punched. And if a girl hits on the other girl she gets slapped." What followed was a fairly large session of gay bashing by the rest of the class. No one knows im gay, and I definately didn't let on to it. I guess I was a little bothered by it though. It's one thing when my close friends call me a fag, they know I am one, and I know they're just joking around. I guess when it's someone who doesn't know I'm gay, it's just kind of insulting.

Reconciliation or Retrograde?

I talked with my friend again today. I reiterated how sorry I was and how I needed to know the reason behind his recent behaviour. He just told me to delete him and leave him alone again.
Now I'm not pretending I'm the total victim who did nothing wrong. I think I have pieced together enough things that I realise my mistakes. He re-added me to Facebook but wouldnt talk to me, so I deleted him. That was a stupid fit of what I'm not sure, but not the right thing to do I know. I had a snide comment on Facebook as well, that was really just about the frustration I was feeling, but he called it whiny, which I can see how it can be seen that way, and said I was trying to play the victim and solicit pity. I told him I don't want pity, or reasons from him about how it's his fault. I just want to fix it. He said he didn't. I left the convo with how I couldn't make him like me. The mutual friend I had contacted to help me got back to me today. He ssured me that our friend gets funny like this, and that it once took him 6 months to get him to talk again. While I don't like the idea of going 6 months without talking, at least it holds out hope of a solution that doesn't end with me cutting and running. B/c as I put it, I would rather die then do that. I refuse to abandon people no matter how much they may want me to. It's not some igher ideal, I just can't physically allow myself to do that. I would make a terrible doctor when it came time to yank the plug on someone. I couldn't do it.
With my friend, I know that he has had a very hard life. I mean, my childhood wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but his was something else entirely. I got rescued from mine. In a way, he really didn't. It made him tough, but also isolationist. He doesn't tolerate a lot of things that would seem trivial to most people. And he relies on alcohol, even more since my BF's death. They were best friends, and I think that he still harbours guilt about what happened, still blames himself for it. Occasionally he will mention while drunk that I should hate him, and want him gone, and all that. But I certainly don't. I need him in my life. In a way he's filled the void in my life. I love the guy, like I've loved very few people in my life.
That's why I refuse to give up, why I refuse to walk away. To me, going through hell and back would be worth it for him. I just hope that it all works out.

Halfway Point

Well I'm halfway done school now. Had a test today and did very well on it. Can't wait for this to be over with. On a sad note, I think I lost my best friend. He has stopped talking to me, blocked me on Facebook, and said some downright niasty things to me, again. This is the friend from my last post. It's been a week of this, and it finally blew up Sunday night. I'm surprised this didn't screw me over for my test, because I'm feeling pretty lost and down right now. I reallt don't know what to do about this. He insinuated that I lied to him about seeing someone, which isn't true. I'm definately not seeing anyone at the moment. I think I would know if I was before him. We were supposed to watch a baseball game together on Wed. night but I fell asleep. He had blown me off the previous couple days when we were supposed to meet up. I guess he thought it was me getting back at him, but it really wasn't, and I explained this to him. Still he proceeded to first say I was better off without him, and when I disgreed, he lashed out at me. Calling me names, saying he never really liked me, and that on our dead friend's birthday he hoped I cried all day. He wasn't drunk this time, unless he's been tanked 24/7 for the past week which I doubt. Every time I try and talk to him he logs off MSN, or tells me to fuck off. He tried to goad me into getting mad at him but it didn't work, which seemed to piss him off more, b/c I know he was looking to use it as ammo against me. Now I have no idea what to do. I tried getting another friend to check in with him, figure out what I did to make him act this way. Now that friend won't return messages. Am I really that terrible a person? I fall asleep and my friendships implode around me? I was told that this likely isn't the inciting incident, and that it's more likely deep seated resentment. Apparently I need to give it time and see where I am in a month. Shitty thing is, he's my best friend, the one guy I'm closest too, that I've told every part of my life to. I just don't know what to do if I've lost that.

Labour Day

Well the weekend wasn't bad, but the ending sure stunk. I had a good weekend with my buddies, went out clubbing on Sat. nite. Went to a blatant str8 club on Sat. night. I got dragged along b/c my friends GF knew some people that were going to the club, and my friend didn't know anyone. I gotta admit there were a lot of hot guys at the club, and the funny thing was quite a few of em seemed overly friendly towards me. Course I was drunk and I can be a little naive when it comes to picking up signals from guys I believe to be str8, but the extra attention was nice, even f nothing came of it. On Monday night though, my one friend and I got into a bit of an argument over me not going out enough. He thinks I'm like a wallflower, and that may be true. I don't tend to go places like clubs or bars alone b/c I feel uncomfortable sitting by myself. I don't like drinking alone as it were. He finally goaded me into going for a few beer at a pub a few blocks away, where I used to work a couple years ago. It was alright, I caught up with the bartender over a couple beer and I headed back home. The friend who goaded me into going wad drunk when I messaged him I'd made it back home. I of course was also feeling no pain so I did let out a comment which he took wrong, and we fought fer a few short minutes before, as he always does, he said I'm never to contact him again. Now, I'm sure I sound like the asshole. But A) the comment was a joke B) any sober person would take it as such C) He over-reacted D) He always tells me never to contact him again whenever we fight, and then the next day everything's back to normal. It just makes me kinda mad, b/c he has said some down right nasty things to me when he's been drunk, but I always listen and know that he doesn't mean it. The few times I make snide or sarcastic remarks, he bites my head off. Doesn't really seem fair I guess. I'm not perfect, I'm gonna say stupid crap. We patched things up today while watching a baseball game. And the fights behind us. I went to school today, and I had a test. I think I failed it, so I'm a little worried about that. I find out tomorrow. My mind just drew a blank when I was writing it. I get a rewrite if I bombed it, so we'll see.

Home and School

I recently moved out on my own, well, sort of. I rent from a cousin now, but he's always gone working up north so its a cool arrangement, and I'm out from under the folks so I'm def. happy.
Only crappy part is right now I am at school, in another city, taking my lvl. 2 electricians course. Only 6 more weeks left, but the stipulation is I cannot work while taking it so I have to claim Employment Insurance. That really doesn't pay that well either. On top of that I bought a new truck 3 months ago. Talk about stacking the odds, lol. Though in fairness I didn't think id be heading back to school so quickly. I just got done lvl 1 in December. There's 11 of us in the class. People from all different trade backgrounds. Some in mines, others in the paper industry. Some do strictly residential work, and some have variations in between. There's this one real annoying loud mouth guy though. Hot as he may be, Id rather put my fist in his mouth then...something else. He insists he's done everything and anything the instructor can come up with. He's even proud he got hit with 600V, even though that shows blatant disregard of OHS policy's, and proves he's an idiot. The worst i've got is 240 volts, though that was a failure of equipment and not my own self. I can't help it if the previouse sparky miswired the plug and it exploded on me, lol. I got a mild sunburn in the middle of winter for my efforts at fixing his mistake, and I had to replace my meter leads after they melted. Funny thing is 600V would cause extensive burns to the area it contacts, which he claims is his arm. But he has no burns and says he was just lucky. I better open a window to clear the smell of his BS. I really have no use for people who always have to make themselves out to be the best, they know and do everything. BS. No one does.

1st post

Well I'm totally new to this. I almost feel like I did when I first had sex. Not a clue what to do, just go with the flow, and also being incredibly nervous. I suppose the best way to do this is to tell everyone a little about myself and go from there.

My name is Jon. Short for Jonathon. My mom changed my name when I was 4, from John to Jonathon, but I hated it so much we compromised, haha. Even to this day only my parents call me Jonathon, and usually when its a serious topic. I'm 21 years old, and I work as an apprentice electrician. I am also gay, though no one at work knows this, and I'm more then happy keeping it that way. Matter of fact, not many people at all know this, and the ones that do never saw it coming. A fact I'm kind of proud of, as far as fooling their 'Gaydar' and not coming across as the stereotypical gay guy.

I am out to a handful of people. My Dad and his wife, and my 3 best friends. I have been out to my Dad and his wife for just over a year now, and my friends for 2 weeks. Needless to say I am not a fan of coming out. I find it nerve wracking and very stressful. I would rather have a root canal. I have been very fortunate though that thefew people I have told have been very supportive of me. I look back on telling them and wish I had the balls to do it sooner. Though in my defence, my friends put on an air of rampant homophobia that is actually just them being dumbasses, since I'm not the only gay person they know and hang out with. Still, they had me wondeirng if I'd be met with pats on the back or bottles to the back of the head.

The next step is to tell my Mom and her husband. (On a side note, have a very large and complex family. My parents are divorced, my dad remarried twice, my mom once.) I never had the closest relationship with my Mom, so I can't really say how she'll react. My Dad just says "What's the worst she can do, disown you?" and I suppose he's right, but also wrong. I don't want to damage the relationship with my Mom any further. She has always been that kind of strong woman with the old fashioned kind of views to an extent. Men are to act like men, woman like woman. Men don't cry, that sort of thing. To that extent my Dad is the opposite. Sure he can build a house, but he watches fashion and has no shame in crying in front of me, or I in front of him. My dad and I have a pretty close relationship. My mother and I do not really. Sure I go to her house for dinner ususally two or 3 times a month. But I never feel like I can talk to her about important things. I kind of glaze over things and remain distant. I don't really know if I can trust her. I would like to, but I just don't know. We had a falling out when I was 14, in Grade 9 at High School. I moved in with my Dad b/c I wanted to. My Mom took it the wrong way and publicly humiliated me in front of half the school, taking away my house keys so I couldn't "steal" my own things. After that we didn't talk for several months. I still think it was an awful thing to do, but I'm over it. It just serves as an example of why I am reticent to open up to her about things in my life.

As far as she or any other member of the family is concerned, I am straight. I don't have sex with girls though or date them so I'm beginning to think that people are suspecting things. And I don't blame them. For as long as I can remember, everytime any one of them has asked if I'm dating a girl the answer has been no, and then I promptly get off the subject. Hell, even I think it's suspicious! My Mom has tried setting me up before. So I go on the "dates", if you want to call them that, and then never talk to the girl again. I avoid the subject like the plague and it goes away eventually. It almost feels like it's a test, like she's trying to figure it out on her own without asking. Some days I wish I was straight and didn't have to deal with this crap. Life's hard enough as it is without the mind games and BS and all the expectations of others.