Weekend

Well the trip to Edmonton was a good one. Got groped by a drag queen at a downtown gay bar, shot a Glock 9mm pistol (not too badly either I might add), and swam in West Edmonton Mall's giant water park for 8 hours. All in all worth the 5 hour drive. This weekend I have a pub crawl and Im basically gonna out myself at it, tho not make a spectacle out of it, just be out. Anyone asks, I'll tell, that sort of thing. Also gonna come out to Mom soon. I know I been saying Id do it for a while but I'm definately close now.

Sorry I've been gone so long. Work has been hectic. Me and A were sort of on again off again while trying to wrangle with me not being there, and wanting to finish my apprenticeship. But that is sorted out. A will wait for me. I could not ask for anything more. I was willing to move there and give everything up for him and his son, but he told me that he could not ask me to do that, and would not allow me to do it. But he also said he didnt know if he could wait for 2 years until I'm done. So we were on again off again, mulling this over in our heads. And I have to say it really hurt when I thought I was going to lose him. And he said he felt the same way. a couple of days ago he came back to me and told me he loved me, and that he would wait as long as it took. he's made me so happy I can't explain it. I love the man, and once i'm done with my schooling I'll have a family as well. I'm going to another city this weekend with my buddies for a weekend roady. When I get back, I'm coming out to my Mom. I need to gt everything set up, and while two years seems a long time, it really does tend to fly by. I don't want any roadblocks or loose ends when I go, so I'm betraying my inner procrastinator and getting as much out of the way as possible. I'm planning a trip down to see A and his son this spring and can't wait.

Back to Work

First week back at work. Just as muddy and gross as when I left, lol. Not having much fun at work, but damn does it beat the classroom and worrying about how much money you need to cover expenses. Glad to be back at work, just not about the place im working, haha.
Been talking to A alot lately, as well as to friends and the few family members I'm out to. Been letting them know the move i'm considering and getting their opinions on it. So far its been positive. I am not planning to rush off any time soon. I need another 2 years to complete my aprenticeship and since i've invested so much time into it, it would be a big waste to just cut and run. And I find that the more I learn and am capable of doing, the more I enjoy my work.
I am however planning a trip in the spring time to visit A and actually see if we can stand one another together for more then an hour, lol. It will be nice to meet his friends, see his city, and most importantly, meet his young son. Sort of a test to make sure I'm comfortable around a young child, can handle the ups and downs of childcare (though thankfuly diapers are long gone), and see if his son even likes me.
I'm throwing around a lot of options in my head right now, one of which is moving up north, working in a uranium mine on a 2 weeks on 2 off rotation, andbeing able to spend time off with A and his son while continuing my apprenticeship. Would be less of a hassle on me, for sure, kind of best of both worlds, plus it would be a large bump in my wage to boot, and benefits. Just one of the many options.
Nothing will be decided for a while I don't think. I stil need to out myself to my family bfore I can even think of buggering off to Florida. I was gonna do that this week but my Mom is off to Vegas so it has to wait until she gets back. Maybe the trip will make her relaxed and more perceptive?
Other then that, winter is fast approaching and I'm trying to piece together all my cold winter gear, though I cant for the life of me find my winter coveralls. Found the -100 boots though, lol. Not looking forward to the cold. It can snow all it wants, just the cold is a bit too much. Glad I got a new 4x4 this year. Will make life a lot easier when the white stuff starts to fly.

Hopes Dreams and Realities

Things took a very differnet turn today. As much as thing have improved between me and A, I knew he was being...distant from me. I didn't know why and didn't want to press it. I hoped he would tell me in time. I knew he was going through a nasty custody battle with his ex over their son. I knew this was likely the reason behind his recent irrational behaviour. I was overjoyed today to learn that he won the custody suit. His son is 100% his, no strings, no BS. His son is where he belongs, with A, his loving father.
This in no means prepared me for what he said next. He asked me if I would be willing to move in with him, and help him raise his son. I was stunned. He is willing to share his son, his pride and joy, with me. There is an awful lot to think about, and even more to do before I can hope to render a decision on this. I need to consider my wants and needs, A's wants and needs, and most importantly, his young son's needs.Would this be best for him? Would I make a good second father figure for him? I must admit if i could make the decision now, had the means to cut ties here and just go with no repercussions, I'd be writing this from a beach in Tampa, but alas I'm not so lucky. What of my career that I've worked hard for? I'm nearly 3 years into a 5-6 year commitment to become an electrician. Would my current Canadian training carry over in the States or would I be required to start over, and could I even start over, is there even work? If I can't find a job in my field, what would I do? Would they even allow me to live there if I had no job prospects? All things to consider, and yet such a small part of the big picture.
I know that I love A with all my heart. He is a great man who has shovelled shit all his life, but never complained because he knew it just had to be done. He confessed tonite that he has had deep feelings for me for a very long time, but due to his conflicts with his inner demons, he has been unable to express those feelings until now. I also have very deep feelings for him. We live in different countries, yet are even closer then I am with my closest friends in my own city. We talk every day, sometimes more then once. We have a neat set up that lets us watch baseball together using the net. We know who the other is, what kind of person they are, their strengths and faults. This wouldnt be like some mail order BS. We do have a emotional connection that is strong, and I think will only get stronger now that our feelings are out in the open.
However, is this right for A's son? I have no answer to that. I have to rely on A to know what is in the best interests of his son, and apparently he thinks that I am. I am no stranger to child care. I routinely babysat for relatives since i am the oldest in the family by nearly a decade. I am certified, with CPR and first aid. I can cook anything a kid would ever need to eat. I'm not really worried that way.
Also, what impact could this have on my family? I'm not out to my mom and her husband, or my siblings. My father and his wife know and im fairly sure that my siblings have an idea, but still. This would need to be dealt with before I could ever hope of leaving. I'm planning on coming out to my mom next week once i'm done school, but I'm not going to mention this until I know how she will react. How will my father react? He's moving out of the city for a job in a nother province with his wife, but I have no doubt he will be concerned about my wellbeing. A has said there is no rush, that i need to discuss ths with everyone I can. He said he will wait for me, as long as it takes. That is a true commitment, I am worried though that I will either make the wrong decision for myself, or for them, or that I will not be able to uproot myself from here.
I am very, very happy, but I also am staring down a mountain that I need to climb. What lies on the other side I'm not sure.

Birthday, Booze, Buds, and a Stage 5 Clinger

Well even though the weather is about as bad as it can be, it feels like things are turning around. Was a very good start to the month. My birthday was on the weekend, so needless to say I had a very good weekend, from what little i remember of it, haha.
Oh Ouzo, you Greek bastard. My friends took me out for dinner on Friday night, and we consumed copiou amounts of alcohol before they took me to the local gay bar. Was very funny, and sobering at the same time. I never would have imagined just 2 months ago that I wud ever be in there with my friends. And now here they are dragging me along to the gay bar, two nights in a row none the less.
We went back on Sat. nite, and this time my Dad, his wife, and their friends tagged along as well. Was just an awesome time had by all. Of course on Friday night, I had struck up a conversation with a younger man, but as the night progressed he became increasingly...agitated and clingy, and eventually I just had enough of his "company", if you can call it that. It took my friends, the bartender, and a number of other people to get him to leave. I really wonder what his problem was. He earned the title Stage 5 Clinger though.
My friend A sent me a bday card. We messaged back and forth a bit, kinda dancing around the issues b/c we're both not totally sure what to say about what happened between us. We both apologised, and I'm now very hopeful that we're on the mend. I have a test tommorow at school. 8 days until I'm done. Things are looking up.

Guilt

I talked again with my friend, who is trying to help me with another friend. To simplify this, the friend who s helping me i'll call J, and the friend who im in fear of losing i'll call A. I told J more about the convo's i've had with A. He seemed less certain of what to do. Probably not a good sign. I've never imagined my life without A in it. He's always been there for me. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe he felt like I was to big a burden or something. Maybe I was stopping him from healing. I would hate to think that, but if it's true, then I really should stop trying to make this work, since I really would be a burden to him.
My BF whom I've only mentioned in passing died last August. He took his own life. He was A's best friend. A took care of me as best he could, though it was hard for both of us. I sometimes do wonder if I got in the way of him dealing with his emotions. Like he spent all his energy on me and not himself. I'd feel guilty if that were the case.

Magnetism

So today my instructor was going on about magnetic induction, and one of his analogies was: "Usually guys are attracted to girls, and vice versa. Think of the north pole as a guy and the south pole as a girl. Now if a guy comes up and hits on the other guy, he gets punched. And if a girl hits on the other girl she gets slapped." What followed was a fairly large session of gay bashing by the rest of the class. No one knows im gay, and I definately didn't let on to it. I guess I was a little bothered by it though. It's one thing when my close friends call me a fag, they know I am one, and I know they're just joking around. I guess when it's someone who doesn't know I'm gay, it's just kind of insulting.

Reconciliation or Retrograde?

I talked with my friend again today. I reiterated how sorry I was and how I needed to know the reason behind his recent behaviour. He just told me to delete him and leave him alone again.
Now I'm not pretending I'm the total victim who did nothing wrong. I think I have pieced together enough things that I realise my mistakes. He re-added me to Facebook but wouldnt talk to me, so I deleted him. That was a stupid fit of what I'm not sure, but not the right thing to do I know. I had a snide comment on Facebook as well, that was really just about the frustration I was feeling, but he called it whiny, which I can see how it can be seen that way, and said I was trying to play the victim and solicit pity. I told him I don't want pity, or reasons from him about how it's his fault. I just want to fix it. He said he didn't. I left the convo with how I couldn't make him like me. The mutual friend I had contacted to help me got back to me today. He ssured me that our friend gets funny like this, and that it once took him 6 months to get him to talk again. While I don't like the idea of going 6 months without talking, at least it holds out hope of a solution that doesn't end with me cutting and running. B/c as I put it, I would rather die then do that. I refuse to abandon people no matter how much they may want me to. It's not some igher ideal, I just can't physically allow myself to do that. I would make a terrible doctor when it came time to yank the plug on someone. I couldn't do it.
With my friend, I know that he has had a very hard life. I mean, my childhood wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but his was something else entirely. I got rescued from mine. In a way, he really didn't. It made him tough, but also isolationist. He doesn't tolerate a lot of things that would seem trivial to most people. And he relies on alcohol, even more since my BF's death. They were best friends, and I think that he still harbours guilt about what happened, still blames himself for it. Occasionally he will mention while drunk that I should hate him, and want him gone, and all that. But I certainly don't. I need him in my life. In a way he's filled the void in my life. I love the guy, like I've loved very few people in my life.
That's why I refuse to give up, why I refuse to walk away. To me, going through hell and back would be worth it for him. I just hope that it all works out.

Halfway Point

Well I'm halfway done school now. Had a test today and did very well on it. Can't wait for this to be over with. On a sad note, I think I lost my best friend. He has stopped talking to me, blocked me on Facebook, and said some downright niasty things to me, again. This is the friend from my last post. It's been a week of this, and it finally blew up Sunday night. I'm surprised this didn't screw me over for my test, because I'm feeling pretty lost and down right now. I reallt don't know what to do about this. He insinuated that I lied to him about seeing someone, which isn't true. I'm definately not seeing anyone at the moment. I think I would know if I was before him. We were supposed to watch a baseball game together on Wed. night but I fell asleep. He had blown me off the previous couple days when we were supposed to meet up. I guess he thought it was me getting back at him, but it really wasn't, and I explained this to him. Still he proceeded to first say I was better off without him, and when I disgreed, he lashed out at me. Calling me names, saying he never really liked me, and that on our dead friend's birthday he hoped I cried all day. He wasn't drunk this time, unless he's been tanked 24/7 for the past week which I doubt. Every time I try and talk to him he logs off MSN, or tells me to fuck off. He tried to goad me into getting mad at him but it didn't work, which seemed to piss him off more, b/c I know he was looking to use it as ammo against me. Now I have no idea what to do. I tried getting another friend to check in with him, figure out what I did to make him act this way. Now that friend won't return messages. Am I really that terrible a person? I fall asleep and my friendships implode around me? I was told that this likely isn't the inciting incident, and that it's more likely deep seated resentment. Apparently I need to give it time and see where I am in a month. Shitty thing is, he's my best friend, the one guy I'm closest too, that I've told every part of my life to. I just don't know what to do if I've lost that.

Labour Day

Well the weekend wasn't bad, but the ending sure stunk. I had a good weekend with my buddies, went out clubbing on Sat. nite. Went to a blatant str8 club on Sat. night. I got dragged along b/c my friends GF knew some people that were going to the club, and my friend didn't know anyone. I gotta admit there were a lot of hot guys at the club, and the funny thing was quite a few of em seemed overly friendly towards me. Course I was drunk and I can be a little naive when it comes to picking up signals from guys I believe to be str8, but the extra attention was nice, even f nothing came of it. On Monday night though, my one friend and I got into a bit of an argument over me not going out enough. He thinks I'm like a wallflower, and that may be true. I don't tend to go places like clubs or bars alone b/c I feel uncomfortable sitting by myself. I don't like drinking alone as it were. He finally goaded me into going for a few beer at a pub a few blocks away, where I used to work a couple years ago. It was alright, I caught up with the bartender over a couple beer and I headed back home. The friend who goaded me into going wad drunk when I messaged him I'd made it back home. I of course was also feeling no pain so I did let out a comment which he took wrong, and we fought fer a few short minutes before, as he always does, he said I'm never to contact him again. Now, I'm sure I sound like the asshole. But A) the comment was a joke B) any sober person would take it as such C) He over-reacted D) He always tells me never to contact him again whenever we fight, and then the next day everything's back to normal. It just makes me kinda mad, b/c he has said some down right nasty things to me when he's been drunk, but I always listen and know that he doesn't mean it. The few times I make snide or sarcastic remarks, he bites my head off. Doesn't really seem fair I guess. I'm not perfect, I'm gonna say stupid crap. We patched things up today while watching a baseball game. And the fights behind us. I went to school today, and I had a test. I think I failed it, so I'm a little worried about that. I find out tomorrow. My mind just drew a blank when I was writing it. I get a rewrite if I bombed it, so we'll see.

Home and School

I recently moved out on my own, well, sort of. I rent from a cousin now, but he's always gone working up north so its a cool arrangement, and I'm out from under the folks so I'm def. happy.
Only crappy part is right now I am at school, in another city, taking my lvl. 2 electricians course. Only 6 more weeks left, but the stipulation is I cannot work while taking it so I have to claim Employment Insurance. That really doesn't pay that well either. On top of that I bought a new truck 3 months ago. Talk about stacking the odds, lol. Though in fairness I didn't think id be heading back to school so quickly. I just got done lvl 1 in December. There's 11 of us in the class. People from all different trade backgrounds. Some in mines, others in the paper industry. Some do strictly residential work, and some have variations in between. There's this one real annoying loud mouth guy though. Hot as he may be, Id rather put my fist in his mouth then...something else. He insists he's done everything and anything the instructor can come up with. He's even proud he got hit with 600V, even though that shows blatant disregard of OHS policy's, and proves he's an idiot. The worst i've got is 240 volts, though that was a failure of equipment and not my own self. I can't help it if the previouse sparky miswired the plug and it exploded on me, lol. I got a mild sunburn in the middle of winter for my efforts at fixing his mistake, and I had to replace my meter leads after they melted. Funny thing is 600V would cause extensive burns to the area it contacts, which he claims is his arm. But he has no burns and says he was just lucky. I better open a window to clear the smell of his BS. I really have no use for people who always have to make themselves out to be the best, they know and do everything. BS. No one does.

1st post

Well I'm totally new to this. I almost feel like I did when I first had sex. Not a clue what to do, just go with the flow, and also being incredibly nervous. I suppose the best way to do this is to tell everyone a little about myself and go from there.

My name is Jon. Short for Jonathon. My mom changed my name when I was 4, from John to Jonathon, but I hated it so much we compromised, haha. Even to this day only my parents call me Jonathon, and usually when its a serious topic. I'm 21 years old, and I work as an apprentice electrician. I am also gay, though no one at work knows this, and I'm more then happy keeping it that way. Matter of fact, not many people at all know this, and the ones that do never saw it coming. A fact I'm kind of proud of, as far as fooling their 'Gaydar' and not coming across as the stereotypical gay guy.

I am out to a handful of people. My Dad and his wife, and my 3 best friends. I have been out to my Dad and his wife for just over a year now, and my friends for 2 weeks. Needless to say I am not a fan of coming out. I find it nerve wracking and very stressful. I would rather have a root canal. I have been very fortunate though that thefew people I have told have been very supportive of me. I look back on telling them and wish I had the balls to do it sooner. Though in my defence, my friends put on an air of rampant homophobia that is actually just them being dumbasses, since I'm not the only gay person they know and hang out with. Still, they had me wondeirng if I'd be met with pats on the back or bottles to the back of the head.

The next step is to tell my Mom and her husband. (On a side note, have a very large and complex family. My parents are divorced, my dad remarried twice, my mom once.) I never had the closest relationship with my Mom, so I can't really say how she'll react. My Dad just says "What's the worst she can do, disown you?" and I suppose he's right, but also wrong. I don't want to damage the relationship with my Mom any further. She has always been that kind of strong woman with the old fashioned kind of views to an extent. Men are to act like men, woman like woman. Men don't cry, that sort of thing. To that extent my Dad is the opposite. Sure he can build a house, but he watches fashion and has no shame in crying in front of me, or I in front of him. My dad and I have a pretty close relationship. My mother and I do not really. Sure I go to her house for dinner ususally two or 3 times a month. But I never feel like I can talk to her about important things. I kind of glaze over things and remain distant. I don't really know if I can trust her. I would like to, but I just don't know. We had a falling out when I was 14, in Grade 9 at High School. I moved in with my Dad b/c I wanted to. My Mom took it the wrong way and publicly humiliated me in front of half the school, taking away my house keys so I couldn't "steal" my own things. After that we didn't talk for several months. I still think it was an awful thing to do, but I'm over it. It just serves as an example of why I am reticent to open up to her about things in my life.

As far as she or any other member of the family is concerned, I am straight. I don't have sex with girls though or date them so I'm beginning to think that people are suspecting things. And I don't blame them. For as long as I can remember, everytime any one of them has asked if I'm dating a girl the answer has been no, and then I promptly get off the subject. Hell, even I think it's suspicious! My Mom has tried setting me up before. So I go on the "dates", if you want to call them that, and then never talk to the girl again. I avoid the subject like the plague and it goes away eventually. It almost feels like it's a test, like she's trying to figure it out on her own without asking. Some days I wish I was straight and didn't have to deal with this crap. Life's hard enough as it is without the mind games and BS and all the expectations of others.