Update

Wow, its been forever since Ive been on here. Lots has happened and changed. Where to start? Me and A are going through an off again on again phase, but I think its coming to an end. 2 years was a long time to wait, and he can't wait I suppose. He admitted he slept with another guy a couple times, and that he likes him. Much as it hurts, and much as I can forgive him for it, he doesn't seem to want me around anymore. I kind of get the feeling he talks to me out of guilt or pity, which one I'm not sure. I'm not stupid, i realise there's nuthing I can do about this. I'm too far away and someone else is the center of his interest. I don't want to lose the friendship though, so I;m not sure how to go about extracting myself, without hurting either of us irrepairably. I already feel the discomfort talking to him, while I know when we say goodnight, he's off with the other guy having sex or sumthing. I really can only imagine, and my mind plays tricks on me. A was injured at his job and is going through surgeries to replace his knee. It also means he likely will never return to his job and will have to find other employment. Part of me thinks that he thinks hes useless, and that I must think the same thing of him, so he rationalises pushing me away, because in his mind its what I really want. He's a complex guy like that. It makes it hard to communicate with him somtimes, b/c he just shuts down. I'm not gonna lie, the lack of communication is not helping things, it never has. Its likely why we're in this mess and likely is the end of it as well. Time will tell after his recovery. I get the feeling that once he recovers itll be a "see ya kid" sort of thing. I'll probably get tossed aside, but I am not certain so I guess I'm clinging to some hope that he'll see the light or sumthing.

Other then that crap, I have outed myself to most of my family. My Mom and her husband knows, as do most of my extened family. My step siblings still need to know though, but that will come soon. Then I can be a fully out person except at work, but really its none of their business so Im not concerned about it. Looking forward to an ATV trip at the end of April with my buddies. Hopefully that takes my mind off things. Shud be a lot of fun, lots of booze, weed, and mud, haha, my kinda weekend. Going to Edmonton with Mom and her husand next weekend to see my step bro and his fiancee, miht be a good time to out myself. I'll check with the folks.
Sorry its been so long, kinda forgot about this place lol.

Weekend

Well the trip to Edmonton was a good one. Got groped by a drag queen at a downtown gay bar, shot a Glock 9mm pistol (not too badly either I might add), and swam in West Edmonton Mall's giant water park for 8 hours. All in all worth the 5 hour drive. This weekend I have a pub crawl and Im basically gonna out myself at it, tho not make a spectacle out of it, just be out. Anyone asks, I'll tell, that sort of thing. Also gonna come out to Mom soon. I know I been saying Id do it for a while but I'm definately close now.

Sorry I've been gone so long. Work has been hectic. Me and A were sort of on again off again while trying to wrangle with me not being there, and wanting to finish my apprenticeship. But that is sorted out. A will wait for me. I could not ask for anything more. I was willing to move there and give everything up for him and his son, but he told me that he could not ask me to do that, and would not allow me to do it. But he also said he didnt know if he could wait for 2 years until I'm done. So we were on again off again, mulling this over in our heads. And I have to say it really hurt when I thought I was going to lose him. And he said he felt the same way. a couple of days ago he came back to me and told me he loved me, and that he would wait as long as it took. he's made me so happy I can't explain it. I love the man, and once i'm done with my schooling I'll have a family as well. I'm going to another city this weekend with my buddies for a weekend roady. When I get back, I'm coming out to my Mom. I need to gt everything set up, and while two years seems a long time, it really does tend to fly by. I don't want any roadblocks or loose ends when I go, so I'm betraying my inner procrastinator and getting as much out of the way as possible. I'm planning a trip down to see A and his son this spring and can't wait.

Back to Work

First week back at work. Just as muddy and gross as when I left, lol. Not having much fun at work, but damn does it beat the classroom and worrying about how much money you need to cover expenses. Glad to be back at work, just not about the place im working, haha.
Been talking to A alot lately, as well as to friends and the few family members I'm out to. Been letting them know the move i'm considering and getting their opinions on it. So far its been positive. I am not planning to rush off any time soon. I need another 2 years to complete my aprenticeship and since i've invested so much time into it, it would be a big waste to just cut and run. And I find that the more I learn and am capable of doing, the more I enjoy my work.
I am however planning a trip in the spring time to visit A and actually see if we can stand one another together for more then an hour, lol. It will be nice to meet his friends, see his city, and most importantly, meet his young son. Sort of a test to make sure I'm comfortable around a young child, can handle the ups and downs of childcare (though thankfuly diapers are long gone), and see if his son even likes me.
I'm throwing around a lot of options in my head right now, one of which is moving up north, working in a uranium mine on a 2 weeks on 2 off rotation, andbeing able to spend time off with A and his son while continuing my apprenticeship. Would be less of a hassle on me, for sure, kind of best of both worlds, plus it would be a large bump in my wage to boot, and benefits. Just one of the many options.
Nothing will be decided for a while I don't think. I stil need to out myself to my family bfore I can even think of buggering off to Florida. I was gonna do that this week but my Mom is off to Vegas so it has to wait until she gets back. Maybe the trip will make her relaxed and more perceptive?
Other then that, winter is fast approaching and I'm trying to piece together all my cold winter gear, though I cant for the life of me find my winter coveralls. Found the -100 boots though, lol. Not looking forward to the cold. It can snow all it wants, just the cold is a bit too much. Glad I got a new 4x4 this year. Will make life a lot easier when the white stuff starts to fly.

Hopes Dreams and Realities

Things took a very differnet turn today. As much as thing have improved between me and A, I knew he was being...distant from me. I didn't know why and didn't want to press it. I hoped he would tell me in time. I knew he was going through a nasty custody battle with his ex over their son. I knew this was likely the reason behind his recent irrational behaviour. I was overjoyed today to learn that he won the custody suit. His son is 100% his, no strings, no BS. His son is where he belongs, with A, his loving father.
This in no means prepared me for what he said next. He asked me if I would be willing to move in with him, and help him raise his son. I was stunned. He is willing to share his son, his pride and joy, with me. There is an awful lot to think about, and even more to do before I can hope to render a decision on this. I need to consider my wants and needs, A's wants and needs, and most importantly, his young son's needs.Would this be best for him? Would I make a good second father figure for him? I must admit if i could make the decision now, had the means to cut ties here and just go with no repercussions, I'd be writing this from a beach in Tampa, but alas I'm not so lucky. What of my career that I've worked hard for? I'm nearly 3 years into a 5-6 year commitment to become an electrician. Would my current Canadian training carry over in the States or would I be required to start over, and could I even start over, is there even work? If I can't find a job in my field, what would I do? Would they even allow me to live there if I had no job prospects? All things to consider, and yet such a small part of the big picture.
I know that I love A with all my heart. He is a great man who has shovelled shit all his life, but never complained because he knew it just had to be done. He confessed tonite that he has had deep feelings for me for a very long time, but due to his conflicts with his inner demons, he has been unable to express those feelings until now. I also have very deep feelings for him. We live in different countries, yet are even closer then I am with my closest friends in my own city. We talk every day, sometimes more then once. We have a neat set up that lets us watch baseball together using the net. We know who the other is, what kind of person they are, their strengths and faults. This wouldnt be like some mail order BS. We do have a emotional connection that is strong, and I think will only get stronger now that our feelings are out in the open.
However, is this right for A's son? I have no answer to that. I have to rely on A to know what is in the best interests of his son, and apparently he thinks that I am. I am no stranger to child care. I routinely babysat for relatives since i am the oldest in the family by nearly a decade. I am certified, with CPR and first aid. I can cook anything a kid would ever need to eat. I'm not really worried that way.
Also, what impact could this have on my family? I'm not out to my mom and her husband, or my siblings. My father and his wife know and im fairly sure that my siblings have an idea, but still. This would need to be dealt with before I could ever hope of leaving. I'm planning on coming out to my mom next week once i'm done school, but I'm not going to mention this until I know how she will react. How will my father react? He's moving out of the city for a job in a nother province with his wife, but I have no doubt he will be concerned about my wellbeing. A has said there is no rush, that i need to discuss ths with everyone I can. He said he will wait for me, as long as it takes. That is a true commitment, I am worried though that I will either make the wrong decision for myself, or for them, or that I will not be able to uproot myself from here.
I am very, very happy, but I also am staring down a mountain that I need to climb. What lies on the other side I'm not sure.

Birthday, Booze, Buds, and a Stage 5 Clinger

Well even though the weather is about as bad as it can be, it feels like things are turning around. Was a very good start to the month. My birthday was on the weekend, so needless to say I had a very good weekend, from what little i remember of it, haha.
Oh Ouzo, you Greek bastard. My friends took me out for dinner on Friday night, and we consumed copiou amounts of alcohol before they took me to the local gay bar. Was very funny, and sobering at the same time. I never would have imagined just 2 months ago that I wud ever be in there with my friends. And now here they are dragging me along to the gay bar, two nights in a row none the less.
We went back on Sat. nite, and this time my Dad, his wife, and their friends tagged along as well. Was just an awesome time had by all. Of course on Friday night, I had struck up a conversation with a younger man, but as the night progressed he became increasingly...agitated and clingy, and eventually I just had enough of his "company", if you can call it that. It took my friends, the bartender, and a number of other people to get him to leave. I really wonder what his problem was. He earned the title Stage 5 Clinger though.
My friend A sent me a bday card. We messaged back and forth a bit, kinda dancing around the issues b/c we're both not totally sure what to say about what happened between us. We both apologised, and I'm now very hopeful that we're on the mend. I have a test tommorow at school. 8 days until I'm done. Things are looking up.

Guilt

I talked again with my friend, who is trying to help me with another friend. To simplify this, the friend who s helping me i'll call J, and the friend who im in fear of losing i'll call A. I told J more about the convo's i've had with A. He seemed less certain of what to do. Probably not a good sign. I've never imagined my life without A in it. He's always been there for me. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe he felt like I was to big a burden or something. Maybe I was stopping him from healing. I would hate to think that, but if it's true, then I really should stop trying to make this work, since I really would be a burden to him.
My BF whom I've only mentioned in passing died last August. He took his own life. He was A's best friend. A took care of me as best he could, though it was hard for both of us. I sometimes do wonder if I got in the way of him dealing with his emotions. Like he spent all his energy on me and not himself. I'd feel guilty if that were the case.